I'm 21 on friday! Woo!

I'm at work running my own connect site, so not actually in the shop and since I'm the manager of it I'm just basically left to it, hence the ingenius plan of bringing Richard's eeepc with me and faffing on the internet all day. Facebook use will have to be monitered though as I'm 'friends' with my manager and deputy manager and I doubt it'd go down well if they knew I was spending my time on here rather than sitting in complete boredom.
If you can't tell I am in a much better frame of mind than my previous lj's. I'm in a job I love, and even though I haven't been earning much thanks to not getting many hours this summer, I'm on full time hours at the moment and going to be getting paid loads more. So smiles all round :)
I haven't seen loads of my friends in ages, as I'm not a hugely sociable creature outside of the general nights out on the piss, but I haven't even been able to afford one of them in quite a while. Still, I now have the sims 3 to keep me company. In fact in most cases I'd prefer an evening on the sims to vapid social niceties.
Sooo now I'm in a new house, living with my fella and I really like it. The house itself is a bit of a bomb site, but I mainly keep to my room anywho me being me. I think the only time Richard's slept in his own bed since we've moved in is when I've had my sister over to stay the night and she's slept in my bed with me rather than him. It's great living with your lover/best mate/love of your life. There's no down side to it, I don't get why people make such a big deal of it unless they are the types that argue loads I suppose.
Getting on much better with my mumma now I'm not living at home too, I can actually have proper conversations with her and I feel all grown up :p
On the subject of growing up I'm 21 in a few weeks. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. Even though I look forward to my twenties as a time of having fun and becoming an adult, the more I age the closer I am to my twenties ending. I don't see why I can't freeze my age and enjoy that being that old for the rest of my life.
A sign of aging must be my newfound obsession with home furnishings. I fantasise about decorating rooms of my imaginary future home. I love looking at tables and paint colours and lamp shades. Gah.

...personally keep forgetting about lj and when I remember I don't post anything. People need to get posting more. Then I'll have something to come and read.
I came to the conclusion months ago that 2009 is the worst year ever. You name it, it's happened. At least I am working even if after my rent is paid I have £50 for bills, food and transport for the rest of the month. Haha. I have no social life now, really. I used to go out twice a week, now I go out once every few months. It's hard to adjust, especially when I'm 20 and all my friends are out having fun and I'm not ¬_¬ I used to be the party girl and now I'm just shit. Boo. When  I do drink now I don't enjoy it at all cos my body isn't used to the alcohol any more and it just makes me very ill.
Thank god for Mr Beecham. He's done EVERYTHING for me this year, fed me, housed me, been an emotional prop, someone to warm my bedroom so I don't get cold :p He doesn't have to do it, but he does. I don't think he gets enough recognition for his kindness. We live together officially now, even though we practically did before.
The new house is gooooood, but next year I need something cheaper and more permanent. I don't want to have to keep packing up my life every year and moving on. When I go home to Dewsbury now I just feel quite sad and sick that I used to live there all the time. I really want to do something to help my mum but I can't afford to look after myself nevermind her too :( I will one day though. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't.
I'm missing Richard. We've spent all our holidays/'fun' times apart this year which seems ridiculous really. I think, if he's reading this when he gets home from Towersey, which I'm 90% sure he will do as soon as he gets in, that he should take me out tonight since neither of us are working on wednesday. Please :) Ily. x

Dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
Richard has gone to pick up my tamiflu and I have a week off work. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

I wish I could go back in time two years :(

I haven't written anything on here for a while mainly cos I'm not sure what to write. I've had a rough last three months and it's not something I want to think about never mind write about it.

Basically I don't have a penny to my name and haven't for a while. Because of this I've had to leave university. I'm working in a job which is giving me very inconsistant hours. My manager has just taken on two full timers too so it's looking even more scary. A high point is that in a few months I will be moving to a nice house. A low is that we still are one housemate short and I'm worried we won't find someone in time. Plus they are asking for some identification from my guarentour(sp). But my mum has never been abroad and neither does she drive. So this creates more problems for moi, especially when she's refusing to let me ask anyone else to be my guarentor.
So yeah I've left uni. I wasn't enjoying it, but at least I was doing something with myself. I'm actually worried for my future. I don't know what to do. If I were to go back to university I don't think I could afford it.

I am Blackwell's lackey really, I work too many hours to be one of the students and too little to be a full timer so I'm shunted around wherever they need me (goods in next week, kill me now). My job involves me running around doing whatever is asked of me all day. I have to walk to and from work everyday which is quite enjoyable but is a fair walk and on an evening I'm absolutely knackered and there are many days where I don't sit down all day til I get home. Even on my dinner I walk into leeds and go window shopping. I'm so unbelievably tired all the time and it's a bit of a shock after being used to laying in bed all day. On top of that because I have no money Idon't eat and rink all day til I get home and my body is really fucked. My feet and knees hurt, I have black bags under my eyes, full of spots and I'm positive I've lost weight. Aside from that I do enjoy working it's good to feel useful. I just need to not be working there. It's not a horrible place to work but I really need a full time job and some more money will eventually be coming in. I got paid a week ago and i only got paid for the first week I worked there since I've only just started doing paid work. I only worked 13 hours in my first week. So yeah a wonderful pay cheque. It was really depressing telling my boyfriend I couldn't afford to buy him a birthday present, especially since he has been feeding me.

I am hiding out in Richard's bedroom since there is no where else for me to go. Aside from me not getting along with my housemates, I now owe them over £80 in bills and after not paying them for a few months it's kind of bad. Well it's really bad actually. So yeah, I can't go there until I get that money. And going home to Dewsbury isn't an option either since I can't afford the bus fare. When I say I don't have a penny, I don't have a penny. I don't even have 50p. I kind of feel annoyed that certain people I know keep spending their money on expensive unneccesary things and then complain they are skint when for the last (almost) 2 years I've spent my time being hungry and sad. Although at least in the last year I had a tiny bit of money even if it wasn't much.

I also saw my mum last weekend for the first time in two months. I haven't talked to her for those two months since I've not had any money for credit and she didn't bother getting in contact with me. Which is nice. Asking her for money is not an option since, without going into it, she has her own money troubles. On that note, I haven't been able to see my friends or talk to them much either. Having to turn down all the social events not only looks bad on my part but is really getting me down. I'm either at work or in bed and there's nothing in between.

I keep getting chronic headaches and getting really upset. I broke down at work which was highly embarrassing and highly unavoidable. I can't help but feel really low lately. So yeah I have kind of contradicted myself from the first sentence I wrote on here but I am beyond caring anymore I just want this nightmare to be over soon. If anyone knows anyone who needs a place to live from july 1st let me know. I don't really know what else to do.

Me me me, I know but there is literally nothing else going on in my life to talk about right now.

My boyfriend is pretty amazing though. He has tried to keep a smile on my face and a meal in my belly (hardy har har) even if it's not always worked. At least he cares I suppose. ♥ That's one thing that's good I suppose, that I've been in a strong relationship for almost two years now and it's still as good as ever. There has been two 'bad times' to my memory with him which we sorted out and got over quickly and the rest of it has been awesome. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend, he is perfect for me etc. I hate myself for being soppy but so frickin what.

I feel a bit sick that I've aired my dirty laundry in public (or at least through the tiny amount of people who follow me on here who may not even read this haha). Oh well.

Oh! So much to tell! And I will probably forget most of it now I am writing it down. Or typing it down even.The whole typing thing may take quite a while, as I managed to spill half a cup of milk over my laptop a few weeks ago. Of course I could have just left it to dry out but NO, I decided to get the hairdryer out to speed things up. Instead, I melted half the keys on my laptop which are now almost impossible to press down. My laptop is actually shit. 3 of the keys have fallen off too.

Well, and wait for it, I ACTUALLY HAVE A JOB. I need time to compose myself and recover from such shocking news. Blackwell have offered me a job after doing my work placement there, and God do I need it. I'm incredibly poor. I have abput £1.40 left and after that... nothing and no way of getting any money. It's really, really depressing. :( ugh don't want to think about it. Tempted to go on Deal or no Deal LOL. Or maybe not.

My knees have got terrible again. They usually hurt when bent for a while but lately they hurt if they're bent at all. I keep crossing my legs only to regret it instantly, but it's so much easier to sit cross legged sometimes.

So yeah I'm trying to find some light at the end of the tunnel but I can't think of one good thing that's happened lately. It's just been a torrent of bad news.

So I have signed for a house for next year. It's a lovely house, much bigger than where I am living now even though my house is a good un. The downside of this is that Chris has dropped out after we signed for it so Richard, Phil and I are fucked. I have asked my friends but they aren't willing to move out of Dewsbury or Batley and I don't blame them really. And Richard hasn't done anything but put a bulletin out on myspace so if you are reading this Richard bloody text people! I just worry that in no time at all we'll be moving in and nothing will be sorted, and the longer we leave it the more likely it is that people will find other places to live.

Life is one big boo. I have nothing to look forward to... NOTHING! I'm back at uni next week although I doubt I'll be going since I have no money to get up there. But just the though of university makes my stomach turn, I literally feel sick. What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? I'm regretting this course, this uni, everything about it. It was a mistake I wish I'd have done music instead or ANYTHING that wasn't English. I hated English at school but I thought that I would manage to enjoy it all of a sudden at uni. Ha wrong. I wish someone would give me a hug and make it all better :(

Outlook: Bleak. Money DOES make you happy, my problems would be solved if I had some.

Ok so I started off in a jolly mood and was quite looking forward to writing a nice long fun lj but it's ended in blah.

What do I get?
O-o-oh
What do I get?

I only get sleepless nights.

    Watched Party Monster today. It really is the best film I’ve ever seen. I love it. After reading the book of the film it seems really weird to watch. I’ve never done a watch-the-film-before-reading-the-book thing it’s usually the other way around. But I must say it left me feeling slightly strange after I watched the film. My stomach still tightened with excitement but ‘something changed‘ (according to Jarvis). I only wish I could have some sort of crazy lifestyle but with less drugs and more partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Oh god I am so desperate to not become one of the ‘drearies’ as Macaulay Culkin/Michael Alig/The script writer for Party Monster would put it. The thought of having a nine-five makes me want to vom but not as much as the thought of me continuing at university. Now that is an upchuck situ.
    The book is all James St. James’ point of view whereas the film seems to dig at some things the book doesn’t go into, for example Michael seeing Peter Gatien as a father figure and Michael taking his split with Keoki badly before the murder. Maybe that was all fabricated for the film? I’ve also watched the party monster documentary too though (not that I’m obsessed or anything - ps I have Freak Show and shall be reading it soon, Tessa said it‘s fabulous) and that’s fascinating. I need to seriously shut the frick up about my musings on party monster, they are far too uninteresting and probably baffling to most (although this ‘blog’ is written for myself rather than anyone else. Ugh blog. I prefer to call it a diary, which is what it is really except I’ve moved it from paper to the internet. I’ve kept a diary for about five years. I’ll have to put some of my old diaries on here at some point. Ha!).
    What I can’t get my head around is my own feelings towards James/Michael/Every fucker on Party Monster’s reaction’s to Angel’s murder. In the book he expresses huge distaste for Angel and the fact that he felt no ounce of sadness that someone had died until Angel’s brother came on the scene and he remembered his family and whatnot. Usually people like this would provoke anger in me. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I feel like I should be disgusted that these people don’t give much of a damn that someone is dead and more that Michael has killed someone. Does that make sense? It does to me anywho. But I just love them as people far too much to ever see them as evil monsters. I have a huge longing to meet with and become Michael Alig’s best friend yet he is an evil monster killer. Hmm.
    James St. James though… he is my iiiiiiidol. I would love to meet and befriend him mostly. I think he would have convinced me to turn to drugs had I met him in his druggy days. He is just living my absolute dream lifestyle. Although he has since moved to LA (bleurgh) he is a popular author who has had one of his books turned into a film no less! Also he has written the book on his super crazy mad extraordinary existence! I would love to write a book about my life but don’t think anything of substance has happened to me as yet. Anywho - Mr. St. James. He has dressed up, partied, been fabulous. THAT NEEDS TO BE MY LIFE. I cannot - I repeat - CANNOT get to thirty years old and be like… oh yeah remember 10 years ago when I was young, and had all these ideas, and wanted to do this and that, and the world was my oyster and - OH dear-look-at-me-now-I-haven’t-moved-an-inch-I-live-all-alone-with-my-cat-in-a-flat-in-leeds-working-in-Tesco-metro-someone-fucking-shoot-me-through-the-eyeball-please. Seriously, I have NEEDS.
    And they are proper needs. I have to do these things or I will forever hate myself for not seizing the day and doing something with my life and live the rest of my life what iffing and crying into vats of vodka that I use to block out the never-ending pain of a life half lived. I don’t have all lame ideas about achieving bollocks like getting an office job(barf) and learning to drive. Things like that are important to some people that don’t have imagination. That’s probably a bit harsh. I don’t give a shit about all that bullshit personally. Probably an excessive use of the word shit but a necessary one none the less.
    The way I see it the world is a big place with lots to offer, I don’t feel that accomplishing what every other person my age is expected to is any kind of achievement. I want stories to tell, life experiences that go beyond the everyday knock backs the world throws at you, I want to properly live. Having a ‘normal’ life, going through the motions,,, obviously I want some of that one day, I do want a family and the that shebang but just not so easily. I want to go through stuff and have experiences. I am lacking spontaneity in my life so much lately to the point that I forget what day it is. Everyday is so like the last that time seems unimportant. Life is ‘blah’. I am a little balled up version of me now, waiting to be thrown into some wonderful situation. I don’t want to have to try and make that situation, I want it to come along and grab me. I need someone or something to say ‘Lee, we should do this, now’ and I will say yes obviously. A few years ago life was exciting. It’s so incredibly dull lately. I don’t like to dwell on that too much because it’s quite upsetting. The people I am around don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or accomplish anything that they want to do, and I am scared I will sink with them.
    I think that if I don’t do the things I want I will forever regret it and end up feeling so depressed in later life that I didn’t achieve them that I will put a pin in myself and deflate into a big smushy melty mess and just live my life as a deflated version of myself until I die.

This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything
I haven’t slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie motherfucker
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything

    How poignant. Oh how Slipknot manages to sum everything up so easily. What would I do without them? Where would I be? How much more would life suck? Loads more probs. Honestly, psychosocial made my 2008. I didn’t like any new music from last year particularly, but what a fucking song. It’s better if you watch it with the video. I would sit at the computer at home with the headphones on watching it on you tube several times a day, I even put it on my myspace at one point. Oh myspace! It died a death in ‘08. No one does myspace these days, facebook is the new website of choice. Everyone seems to have it. I enjoy it for the fact it takes gossip, drama and being nosey to another level. Not that I am any of those things J Oh sigh. I sure would love some drama in my life right now. I’ve spent the last god knows how many years trying to escape it but now I realise if I am to maintain any kind of exciting lifestyle I need some in my life. And despite my protestations I rather enjoy it to some degree. If it’s the right kind.
    


    MY DREAM 10 YEAR PLAN
1. Quit uni.
2. Get a job to earn some mullah
3. With said mullah move to New York
4. Take job in New York
5. Explore New York, meet new people
6. GO OUT AND PARTY LOADS
7. Join groups/clubs/ get hobbies
8. Save money
9. Travel to other places in the world.
10. Pick some sort of career or job I enjoy. Open clinic/help center for people with S.E.D./Become published author
11. Marry someone who makes me happy and procreate
12. Maintain size 6/8 figure
13. Meet James St. James J
14. Maybe get help with my S.E.D.?

THE REALITY
1. I won’t. I need the money. And I’ll end up getting a really rubbish degree, deeming the whole thing pointless.
2. There’s a first time for everything
3. Said mullah will disappear like water through a sieve
4. I can’t get one in England!
5. I SO would. How could I not?
6. As above. Excitement rising.
7. I just WOULD J
8. Pahahaha. Yeah right.
9. Love to mate
10. Not gonna happen L
11. I wish
12. I’ll turn into some massive lardy blob one day
13. I’ll try
14. Most likely not.

Oh-oh If you’d stay
Oh-oh If you’d stay
Oh-oh If you’d stay

One day I realised I didn’t want to get up in the morning and go to work. I didn’t want to be like all the drearies and normals. I wanted to create my own world, a world full of colour, where everyone could play. One big party. That never ends.

PS. I HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH AND ALL THAT. OH NEW YORK. SO CLOSE BUT YET SO FAR.

Oh woe is me! I feel as though my life is passing me by… or will eventually if I don‘t do something with it. I have been alive for twenty whole years. That’s potentially a quarter of my life over already depending on if I manage to make it to a ripe old age. I have spent these early years learning about the ways of the world, growing up, learning my times tables and how to tie my shoelaces. But now I am in the next stage of my life the settling down, finding my place in the world, a job, a house, having children, joining some classes and getting hobbies and generally getting involved, someone to spend the rest of my life with or maybe not even, a country that agrees with me. England doesn’t. England does not offer the sense of adventure that I need or want. ‘Oh go to London Lee’. No. NOT England.
    I want to go to New York.
I went once before and it was love at first sight. Like an extremely exaggerated version of any city I’ve been to before. The buildings incredibly tall, and so many of them, all pushed together, so many more people, lights and billboards everywhere, and unlike England the world doesn’t stop when it gets dark, everywhere is still lit up and there are still people on the streets and traffic and what not. Imagine the things there to get involved in! The people! The places! The parties!
    Waking up everyday to know that I am in fabulous New York.
    Of course I planned to do it after college rather than go to university. But I have to admit I’m a bit scared to do it on my own. I’m not scared of being in New York alone mind you. The challenge and adventure of starting afresh is amazing. However I don’t know what to do in airports. What if I get on the wrong plane? What the actual fuck do I do? It’s my train journey fear all over again. I’m such a pussy I need to slap myself and get on with it. I need a shitload of money to do it too and obviously having a partner in crime would take some of the financial strain. To be honest I’d go over there penniless if I could. If someone said ‘Lee pack up your stuff and I’ll take you to New York now’, despite not having any money and all the things that may or may not being going on in my life at present, I’d be gone in a heartbeat.
    I love to write fiction and daydream and imagine and live in my head rather than the real world which is far more exciting, so for me to then have to live in the dullest place ever around people who are happy to just stay here and drift through their lives around the grey and wait for their life to take the same pattern as everyone else around them - job, house, marry, kids, retire, grandkids, death. How utterly depressing. I’d rather shove some fabulous stories into the mix. The most dramatic thing to happen to them would be the Saturday night at the pub. I aspire to more.
    I have to go. I just have to. I need to.

Last night I saw so many sights that actually put me off graduating from university (if I already haven’t).
    It was Gemma’s housemates girlfriend’s mates party. Gemma is someone I met on my placement at Blackwell’s. She is truly awesome and one of the few people I’ve ever met who shares some of my interests and I have stuff in common with.
    Well anyway we were there and this is what I thought of it all. Feel free to disagree with me or think I’m a prick or think this little story is a load of shit but this is really how I felt about the whole weird night.

    The sight of snooty young professionals dancing to Phil Collins and the Beatles, glass of wine in hand and Southern accent at the ready made me want to be throw myself down the stairs that led up to their lovely, clean flat and never wake up, and even then if I did I hope I wake up in a back alley with a crack addict and a few rats, the way life should be. Fuck those young professionals. There were some points I actually felt like laughing out loud but apart from that being horribly rude, there was also an undercurrent of sadness.
Is that what it’s going to come to? Me going to a themed party - the theme was ‘come as your New Years resolution’ (barf) - dressed like an absolute twat, squealing with my middle class friends as we did some serious dancing to The Killers (oh how cool we all are dancing to the Killers!). The closest I can get to it was a wedding. There was wedding music and dancing. Hideous. To my ABSOLUTE disgust I found myself joining in when I was pissed. It was all Gemma’s fault.
    “Let’s dance!” She said (she wasn’t singing along to David Bowie by the way. It was a serious statement. At a house party. Blah).
    “Yes!” We said. Grudgingly in my case. Actually that’s a massive lie. I was very inebriated at this point and I actually wanted to dance. You see everyone else at the party was on the makeshift dance floor at this point apart from myself, Luke, Gemma, Becky, Nick and Gary (although both Nick and Gary kept ‘grooving’ to the ‘funky’ beats every now and again. It was slightly embarrassing to watch, but as long as they’re having fun eh?) who were sat on the sofa talking and getting more and more drunk.

    Luke seemed to think that being from Yorkshire was a reason not to dance. He felt exactly the same as me on the dancing front.
    “Me and you are the only ones here that are actually from Yorkshire,” he said. That was a lie since Becky is from Bradford. Saying that she ended up snogging the face off and going home with Gary who is not. The fact that she could hear  that accent and still find him attractive and was FULLY WILLING to have sex with someone who is from ‘down south’ proves to me that she is not a kindred spirit in the all southerners are fuck -faces campaign.
    But anyway. I say we ‘danced’. Luke and I invented our own dances which included ‘walking’ and ‘running’ (we literally walked and ran on the spot) and Gemma invented the ‘copy the guy in the VOTE FOR PEDRO (I can’t remember his name) t shirt dance’. He left us with a strange movement which he said involved ‘bringing it in… and giving it away‘. Hmm.
    Anyway at this point I was drunk enough to dance BUT I just couldn’t because of the music.

    Oh lordy, it was awful. There was some good old 90’s hits on at first when we weren’t dancing but after that they seemed to revert to old and very very cheesy songs ever that even your parents wouldn’t be seen dead bopping to. Honestly it was an embarrassing spectacle to behold. Everyone was getting really into it and seemed to be - dare I say it - enjoying it. In the end Luke and I ended up standing to the side of everyone as they danced, because of course, we’re from Yorkshire.
    Here are some examples of people’s resolution ‘costumes’ (I use the term costumes loosely. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if people were wearing their normal clothes or a themed outfit.). One girl was dressed as a clown. This was meant to be indicative of her trying to be more ‘funny’. Another girl (who scowled at me all night for some reason the moody bitch) had lots of bright mismatched clothes on and smiley face badges. And for some inexplicable reason some pink sunglasses. This was meant to be her trying to be more happy this year. Funny that. One lad had a penis hat on. This was his resolution to stop being such a dickhead this year.
    Ok so I made that last one up. But you get my drift. When someone, at the age of 22 says we’re having a themed party you say ok and go as yourself EVERYTIME, with perhaps an accessory or two relating back to theme.

    Or if you’re gonna wear a full on costume you at least make it as ace as possible and sexy. But most of the people here had taken it to another level and were wearing costumes that just looked so so so wrong, and dare I say it, geeky. Everyone likes a bit of a dress up now and again but at least if you’re gonna do it make sure you do it in style. A lot of people had face paint on. DIE.
    Anywho all the girls were a) overly cheerful to the point I wanted to start the eye gouging or b) really bitchy looking and throwing me dog looks (oh man remember saying that at school?). There were fewer blokes there but they all seemed friendly and slightly saner than their female counterparts (that‘s a massive lie. The men were quite weird and all doing some dodgy dancing. But at least they were polite enough to engage me in conversation). Good old men.

Luke got absolutely fucked. He accidentally hit me on the back of the head with a big glass and gave me permission to punch him for doing it. In turn I managed to elbow Gemma while doing it and made her spill her drink over herself. He ended up disappearing from the party. I still don’t know what happened to him.
    Another little nugget that made me chuckle was Gemma asking me ‘Lee when you drink do you get battered?’ (as in really drunk, not beaten up). I think my face would have answered that one. I then regaled her and Luke with some of my better drunken exploits and watched their faces contort in horror. Haha I’m fucking awesome. And incredibly arrogant if my last statement is anything to go on.
    I kept making really inappropriate jokes and sarcastic comments to the things people I didn’t know were saying as I couldn’t help myself. And I walked in on one of Gemma’s housemates having a piss. And I burst into a solo of two can play that game AND new all the words. I ended the night by getting out of the taxi at the end of the road and running up the path singing jingle bells.

    It was just too weird. Not the jingle bells and the punching and whatnot. I’ve done stupider stuff than that. But the actual party… I have NEVER been to a house party with dancing. That either shows that I haven’t been to many house parties (which if my attraction to free and cheap booze is anything to go by, is not the case) or my mates are all from Yorkshire and don’t dance in Luke’s words. Lolz. Every house party I go to involves lots of booze, sex, usually a lot of throwing up, drug taking, increasingly the involvement of the sing star and sitting around having drunken conversations with everyone. THAT is how a house party should be. And the house party I went to last night was just weird. It was GROWN UPPPPP. And just because everyone there was older than me, they were older by a few years.

    Is that what I have to look forward to? Because if that is the case then I’d rather not have the fucking shitting degree. I don’t really want one anyway but the thought of being a ’young professional‘… professional twat more like. It’s a good job I am friends with proper people in Batley and Dewsbury who would still throw up on me whether they had a degree or not. Ah good old working class scum, how I miss thee.
    
    I can’t enjoy Juliette and The Licks since I found out Juliette Lewis is a scientologist. I have to turn them over when they come on. Boo. This is how much I despise religion, or fake religion in this case. Who do scientologists worship as such, or is it just a load of beliefs tied together by a made up story?

Unless you want to get really poorly!
In fact, don't come near me either!

I just bought these sausage rolls and they taste like shit.
MASSIVE disappointment :p I'm dead hungry an all. Richard bought me these awesome fudge cake bars so I suppose it isn't so bad :)
Halloween was good! I had this worry all day that something bad was going to happen but it turned out to be a good night.
Birthday this Thursday!
I am going to be 20. This is not good, as I only feel about 12 in my head or something. I'm not done being a teenager and going out and having little responsibility.
I have been to 5 seperate 02 shops and none of them had a nokia 5310 in :@ One of the women lied and said they were restocking the next day, when she saw me the next day she looked really sheepish and told me they still didn't have any.
Oh god someone get me a job.
I have a little bit of money right now which is dwindling quickly and I am trying so hard not to think about what is going to happen when it's all gone.

ps. I just went on my deviantart and after over a year finally sorting it all out and reading messages and stuff and found things from my old mates from college and school and one girl in particular, I don't know why but she doesn't talk to me any more (not for my lack of trying) but I do miss her. Just made me feel a bit sad :(

Happiest I've been in ages!
Back at uni, hopefully should have some money next week and will be able to pay rent/get pissed, got some good mates who I'm having fun with and I'm just generally ok I suppose.
Huzzah for the shopkeep!

To do list:
1. Buy stamps
2. Write Othello essay
3. Write Miss Julie essay
4. Hand both essays in
5. Get a £100 from somewhere to pay for resits by the beginning of next semester
6. Finish filling out and send off form for free dentist
7. Call student finance and ask why the fuck they haven't offered me my much needed grant this year and then send letter to them
8. Make effort to get proper sleeping pattern back, going to bed before 2AM and getting up before 1PM
9. Get a job
10. Get fringe trimmed
11. Get eyebrows waxed
12. Clean house from top to bottom
13. Think of preperations in case I don't pass uni ... move out, prepare speech to tell mum, get Zara and Hayley new house mate, kill self etc.
14. Buy Tessa's 18th birthday present (her birthday was in August)
15. Find wonderful new female BFF who has ridiculous hair colour and/or love of piercings that I can muse at the world with, is kind and has their own opinions but is not in love with self, dramatic  and doesn't copy me and not get their own personality and beliefs
16. Call British gas and inform them of happenings in house so we don't get cut off
17. Find money to pay British Gas
18. Owe mummy £200 (but that can be paid back whenever)
19. Make self look decent again and make effort to get out of bed and get dressed and look nice
20. Keep up self delusion so not to remind self of awful present circumstances

Sooooo... I haven't had a night out since 1st of July.
Not even been out for a drink to the pub or anything...
Got essays to do for weds which I am really struggling with, cos now I have left them all to the last minute I feel too much pressure.
And the only food I have is 1 tin of spaghetti... literally nowt else... had some microwave popcorn which i made out of starvation but it tastes gross.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I don't know why I am at university. The only reason I am trying to go back next year is because I need my student loan to pay my next rent, otherwise I seriously wouldn't fucking bother I kid you not. No one told me it would cause so much distress. Although no one else is as much of a dick as me and not done their work and managed to fail their first year.... I mean seriously who does that?

Well I do apparently.

You'd have thought that just maybe I might have learned from this when it comes to resitting stuff but NOOOOOOO. I can do the work. I just DON'T WANT TO. I DON'TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. I really hated being at school and sixth form and vowed to get out of education as soon as I could. I was clever at school and my teachers didn't understand how someone who wasn't a dumb ass could have so little dedication, concentration and general arsedness (that word is just one way of showing you exactly how clever I was). I just hated being in such a controlled environment, I was extremely bored and unstimulated by everything. I had so set my heart on volunteering abroad but because I was scared of doing it, when the pressure of everyone telling me to go to uni and that I'd love it came along, and  also practically being forced by school to go to university, I just gave in.

I haven't had anything remotely positive to write about in a long time now. Sorry about that.

The average day for me goes: wake up at 1PM. Eat and watch tv and go on internet. Go to bed at 3AM. Richard comes round quite a bit which is the highlight of my day, and sometimes I go to his although I don't tend to much any more as it's so difficult to sleep there with the noise. Going into leeds or anywhere else for that matter is a no-no as it involves money of which I have none. My mum is a fucking saint. I go home every now and again and she buys me food. Honestly I don't know what I'd have done without her these past few months, her and Richard who has been my 'rock' (oh I hate using that word but it best describes what I'm going for :p)

Anywho hopefully after this essay fiasco I will know what is going on. If I don't get to go back to uni then I urgently need to find someone to move into this house or find a grand before oct :| wish me luck. Or even better come and do these 6 essays for me?

Richard <3

I'm a very lucky girl

=]

I'm in bed watching tv. Got wireless internet now so I can go on here also! My bum is going numb I've been sat here that long.

The money situation is becoming increasingly worse. On the 20th of August £300 is coming out of my bank account and I currently have around £100 if I don't eat or go anywhere or do anything. I just want to cry. There is nothing I can do apart from get a job but it's difficult for me to make myself do that.

I can't even afford to eat. The day before yesterday I only had a bowl of cereal all day and I've paid for it today and yesaterday let me tell you.